After · changes · upon · changes, · we · are · more · or · less · the · same.

Life pretty much sucks. Hardcore. Every single day is the same, work. I feel like I live there and I can't stand it. I hate all those fucking people and I especially hate the fact that I make drinks and serve it to them. Then they complain if you're not happy enough. Or if you don't talk to them. I really just wantto say fuck you most of the time.
Money is evil. Plain and simple. Why do we need money? Whay do we make money? We only have it for a few days then it's all gone. Then we have to work again, wasting more of our life, making something that is gone in days. It's all so pointless.
The stress lately is killing me. There's to much piling up I don't know what to do. I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't want to do anything lately. Today especially sucked. Woke up with a pounding headache, went to work for an hour and left because I was so sick. Now I still have it but I have so much homework to do I can't even go to sleep. Do we ever get time to enjoy ourselves? I don't think so.
I need pills. And my best friend, Mary Jane to help me out.
If I didn't have Shaun, I'd probably never leave the house or do anything. i love him.
On the bright side, I am really looking forward to Halloween, or I should say the Halloween road rally. You have to dress up as a performer, and as soon as Aunt Pam told me, this idea just instantly popped in my head. But it's a secret until then!
I need to finish my homeowrk and other duties so I can sleep and go to work in the morning...yay.

so it has been 101 weeks since my last update...how do you come back from that?

does anyone evenwant to read my ramblings? probably not. but i guess you don't make these things for anyone else but yourself.

pretty funny how much i have changed in 2 years...or whenever i last updated. kind of a crazy thing to read...

anyway, i should do math so i don't fail again and have to retake it for the third time. but that might be inevitable now.

i have to work at 10 tomorrow, instead of 2, like i was supposed to. fuck me man, i hate working there. i can't deal with those fucking people anymore. i need a new job like now. no joke.

i wish mj was with me right about now...that would make things more bearable.

what would i do without my BFF? probably die from all this stress. even though she is probably sick of hearing me talking about my situation, i love her for listening to me and being there when i really needed a friend.

nothing new. i can't take this waiting anymore.

so i am super excited for friday the 13th. mark your calenders and get a costume. my house, 8:00. soooo excited. i love my costume. Lauren and I are going to look sooo cute. can't wait!!

i think i might be messing up my classes...i need to get back on track with that.

somedays i just have no clue what to do.

DO IT!

1. Reply with your name and I will write something random about you.

2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.

3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.

4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.

5. I will tell you my first memory of you.

6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.

7. I'll then ask you something that i've always wondered about you.

8. Put this in your own journal

So I think it's kinda funny that Shaun is now working on the parking structure at Laurel Park. That means that I got to see him today on his lunch. I love seeing him after we has been working..all sweaty and working man like...I never knew a dirty worker would be a turn- on for me. lol. i loves him.

♥

Caryn went to the doctor again this morning to find out that it is a GIRL and I will have a NIECE!!! YAY I am soo excited, I knew it was going to be a girl, but I couldn't wait to find out. I'll be doing my best to make her super girly too because little girls are the cutest.

♥

Shaun painted my nails tonight. not only did he paint them like a solid color, he also painted little pictures on them. all my nails are different and they actually look pretty cute.
K+S
a rose
11:11
a flower w/grass
a skull
a star
a music note
a weeping willow
a heart
#14
they all have a meaning for us, except the flower and the skull.

That was really the fun part of my day.
we saw the Covenant and it was stupid. I didn't want to see it but he did. Retarded...
I really hope he goes back to work next week because I don't like this paying my own way on dates. Even though I insist on it because I know he needs to be saving money, not spending it on me. Still, I'm used to not paying at all...lol

And in other good news, I have my RAZR back!! the only thing it needed was a new battery. I thought that was the only problem with it before, but since the people at the Tmobile store told me it would never work again, I just didn't buy a new battery. Until I thought about it again this week and bought a new battery just to see if it would work anyway, and it did. so i'm happy because I have my phone back.

I'm going to bed, I feel like I am going to pass out because I took a Tylenol 4 and its making me realllly sleepy. I have to work tomorrow too and i don't want to :(

♥

School started, obviously...my classes are perfect for me, you could say. first, business math..all right, the first day was adding and subtracting decimals. pretty dang easy. so i'm not too worried about that, until we get into the taxes and stuff like that. but other than that it should be pretty easy, except for the fact that she wants us to do our homework in the gayest format ever. i am very particular about how i do my homework and to have someone tell me to do it another way or get a 0, it kinda pisses me off. i wanted to switch to another class, but that was the only one so i am stuck in it. then, my computer class has got to be the easiest class i have ever taken. there is a total of 6 projects that we have to do, there is no due date, and as long as you do it, you get a 100% on it. you can take the final as soon as you hand in all of your projects, plus it is take home. so i could easily finish that class in a few weeks and not have to worry about it. criminal law seems like it will probably be a little hard, just because all the law and court procedures can get a little confusing, but it was interesting, a lot better than the other 2.

I haven't done much besides school and work, and spending a little bit of time with Shaun. i hate conflicting schedules. well actually a bad thing happened with his job, they told him they don't have any more work for him so he has to go to the main office tomorrow to see if there is anywhere else he can find work. if he can't, i don't know what he is going to do.

I guess i haven't been having the best week ever this week. even though Shaun and i did get our tattoos on monday, i was sick the rest of the night with a headache/stomachache. i thought it would be gone by tuesday morning, buti woke up with a headache and i had to work. it went by really fast though, except for the last hour, that dragged by. i felt soo sick so i had to go home and sleep. i slept till around 7 when Shaun came over. he overslept and missed work that day, not good, but he did go and meet his dad for the first time. also his brother and sister. that's not my story to tell though, but he has never met his real dad before that day.. anyway, Shaun layed around with me and we ate dinner, though i hardly ate at all. then i layed back down and he stayed for a little bit, then went home. wednesday, my head hurt yet again and since Zack was sick and sleeping, i decided to sleep in and try to get rid of my headache, which i did. then i really didn't do much until my first class, computer orientation. i'm only taking it because it is a requirement, but it seems sooo easy, like for someone who has no idea what they are doing with a computer. it's good for me though because the professor (Bruce!) said that we don't have to come to class, as long as we turn in all the assignments before the end of the semester. and the tests are take-home, so that should be easy. the class was over by 6 and since Shaun was out with his friend Zack, i called Lauren, but she was busy, so i went home and did nothing. Started getting yet another headache, but i had to stay up to watch the end of Project Runway...and i was talking to Shaun on the phone for an hour, so i went to bed around 12. woke up today at 10 because i had to pick up Amanda and Brandon from school at 1145. my head still hurt, but it went away after a while. so i picked them up and we went out to lunch, then watched a litle bit of the wiggles when we got back to their house, then i came home and did nothing...

Now i'm probably not going to see Shaun because he is apparently lost in the ghetto...i don't know, but i don't think he will get back before i have to leave for class. bussiness math tonight from 630-930...fun stuff. i hate 3 hour classes, and all of my classes are 3 hours. my schedule sucks, especially since Shaun got switched to the day shift instead of the night shift, so it doesn't really work out to well so that we see each other a lot. i hate when stuff like that happens...but whatever, there's not much i can do about that now.
i was excited about school, but not so much anymore. i think i'm just tired and don't want to go.

i frickin hate cell phones. i want my old pink razr back. i hated that phone but now that i don't have it anymore, i want it back. i hate the damn v360 because i have had two of them and they both sucked ass. on my last one, the damn display kept going black and took forever to do things after i pressed the buttons. the second i had stopped ringing. so it doesn't ring at all and have all missed calls, which sometimes don't even show up. i'm getting the nokia 6103 for free, but i don't want that phone either. if i didn't have a bunch of debt and car payments and did have an extra $250, i would buy another razr. gosh.

i have a headache.

wow, to be 16 and dumb again...reading my old journal, my original one, really has made me feel...sick i guess is the word. live and learn i guess, right? reading all those old entries about Brian made me laugh though. if there is one thing i have realized, it's that i never loved him. i was infatuated and that's about it. i didn't like everything about him, as a matter of fact, i really didn't like him very much at all. i mean, i thought he was decent looking and sometimes funny, but really when i think back on it, i really didn't like him. i think i liked the idea of having a boyfriend more than i liked my actual boyfriend. In comparison to my relationship right now, that whole time was a joke. seriously it really makes me laugh. well, i am glad that i now know what love really is. love is totally and completely loving someone, not liking only certain things. even the habits that you say you hate, you really love.


"i love you because everytime i see you my heart skips a beat."

Shaun got his car today!!

I was soo happy to see him sitting in my driveway when I got home. I love surprises like that!

What a great day, no more driving for me :)

Ilovehim.

♥

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun


And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death


Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say


Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.




I just love it. Really, how can you not love Pink Floyd?



Today was such a great day and I feel amazing. I talked to Julie on the phone for almost 2 hours, and it felt good to talk, actually I really had to get a lot off of my chest and tell her. Then Mom came home and we went out to lunch. Things with her have gotten a lot better recently and I don't really know how because one day she won't buy me dinner and ignore me, then the next we are talking and going out to lunch with her paying. So I don't know what happened, but I love being able to talk to her and not having her ignore me anymore. Well after lunch we went with Caryn to her ultrasound. We didn't find out the sex but the due date is December 15. It was pretty amazing to see the baby because I had never seen an ultrasound before and it was just cool to see. YOu could see the had and the arms and hands and it moved around a lot while we were looking so I thought that was neat to see it actually moving.
After that we came home for a bit, then went up to the car show up the street. That was pretty fun because Uncle Jerry was telling me a lot about the cars and dad was talking about all the cars he used to have. My dad had like a million cars when he was younger and he used to race...somehow I just can't picture that. I loved talking to my dad and Uncle Jerry about the cars though, I don't know it just felt good to have them want to share something like that with me.
After the show, we came home and my dad was still talking about his cars, then somehow we got to talking about me again and my "bad" decisions. He told me that I have to do what I feel is right in my heart and I said I don't feel bad about anything I have done. I knew he was talking about church, but once again, it's not a bad decision. We go to talking about a few other things too and it was really great to just be able to talk to my dad like that. I'm so happy right now.
Well tomorrow I have to watch Zack, take him to the doctor, and then take him to Aunt Pam's and then go to work. I'm not looking forward to work, especially since tomorrow is Shaun and I's 8 month and I would rather spend the day with him, but what are you gonna do, right? Hopefully, (I pray and pray)Shaun will get his car tomorrow and get all that business taken care of. I just hope that he gets it all done and doesn't sleep all day and run out of time to do everything. It would just be the greatest gift I could get right now, is to have him drive out here instead of me picking him up. So I really hope and pray that it all works out tomorrow.
Nevertheless, I am happy. I guess that is all that matters right now.
♥